FTM Moving Pictures: Halloween Special

10/31/2018 // 17 Comments

  Ghosts, ghouls, and goblins are hunting for artificial flavors and caramel. Bowls of bite-sized chocolate confectionaries keep the undead kids happy, that way they won’t decorate the neighborhood with spoiled eggs or garlands of 2-ply toilet paper. Put on your red devil horns or toss a bedsheet over your head—the spirit of Halloween is gonna possess you. Boo. If you don’t mind sacrificing 49 seconds of your precious life, press the play button and watch the latest Mr. Bonez episode. The stop-motion animation features a few cinematic slashers (one of them just so happens [Click Here To Read Article...]

FTM Self-help Tactics: Way of the Warrior

06/12/2018 // 6 Comments

  There’s nothing more sad than aimless souls. No direction. No courage. No dedication. Aimless souls drift from one moment to the next—a limited perspective that shuns them from true enlightenment. All of use participate in a battle, from the moment we open our eyes, to the moment we close our eyes. The battle is called “life”, and aimless souls choose to be pathetic cowards. Aimless souls blindly accept worthless ideas which were force fed to them…ever since their weak heart started to beat a worthless tune.   Sharpen Your Dull Katana You’re a [Click Here To Read Article...]

Flower Power: A Closer Look at Spring Pollen

04/02/2018 // 9 Comments

    Colorful zombies are rising from the ground, and they’re hungry for sunlight. The fundamental aspects of nature are often unnoticeable. Subatomic particles, molecules, microbes, viruses, bacteria…the tiny stuff is everywhere, and we sure as shit can’t exist without them. Technology allows us to glimpse into the microcosm, but our squishy eyeballs were evolutionarily designed to watch television. Just kidding. Kind of. The mundane properties of our busy lives are distracting. No one wants to be eaten by a saber-toothed tiger. Big stuff matters, of course. Our [Click Here To Read Article...]

Infinitesimal Reality: Spring is Frozen

03/21/2018 // 8 Comments

  A prophetic groundhog predicted this would happen. Spring sprouted on March 20, 2018, but winter refuses to melt. Unusual snowstorms are scheduled to disrupt people’s lives. Put on your earmuffs and coat—let’s shrink our perspective and take a closer look at itty-bitty pieces of cold reality. Our last investigation examined melting snow sculptures. We also enjoyed watching winter evaporate, because we also assumed winter was cooked. Finished. Down for the count. It was supposed to be over, and that’s when a damn groundhog saw its shadow. We’re you expecting [Click Here To Read Article...]

Roman Romance Dating Advice: Vampires, Big Brain & Cuddling

01/25/2018 // 12 Comments

  Did you come home last night and discover the milkman getting a little to close with your wife? May as well just hop along, kangaroo! Some people drink dairy and there’s nothing you can do about it. Perhaps your heart is all busted up. Yup. That’s it. You climbed into bed and discovered a zebra striped thong. Used, of course. You have too much self-respect and never wear animal prints, which means your husband is most likely banging your best friend. Congratulations. Go sucker punch Melanie right in her pretty kisser. A few sad people contacted the show and asked Roman [Click Here To Read Article...]

Profound Pondering: Immortality

11/24/2014 // 5 Comments

  Here’s a question I’m sure we all asked ourselves: Do I want to live forever? ...Well? Do you? Personally, I never had an issue with this question. Of course I want to live forever! Duh—sort of a no brainer—don’t you think? Jeez. I mean, why not? Right? Think about all the things you can accomplish if you didn’t have the Grim Reaper nippin’ at your ankles. Just to be clear: I’m talking about old-fashioned immortality, okay? None of this fancy, high-tech, gizmo contraption, teleporter, bullshit devices that are designed to simulate immortality. [Click Here To Read Article...]

Profound Podering: Would You Rather be Strong or Fast?

09/08/2014 // 2 Comments

  Are you ready for another brain-busting question: Would you rather be strong or fast? To be clear, when I say strong, I mean really strong. Buff as hell. Strong enough to bicep curl a hippopotamus. Same thing with being fast—I’m talking about really fast—laying strips of rubber as you sprint around this ball of rock called Earth. No! You may not have both attributes! Everyone wants both attributes. This mental exercise is all about the decision—not the desire to be superhuman. Let’s not be too ridiculous. My  personal answer to this profound question has always been: [Click Here To Read Article...]