Articles

humor

Mission to Mars: NASA Lacks InSight

11/29/2018 // 27 Comments

  Have you ever wondered if the Red Planet shakes, rattles and rolls? No? Too bad! NASA filled their bottle rocket and flung a sophisticated ornament at Mars, just in time for the holiday season. InSight blazed a path of hell across space-time, and on November 26, 2018, landed near Elysium Planitia—a flat and lackluster region on Mars…which greatly encapsulates how exciting this mission is going to be.     Elysium Planitia is pretty much a Martian parking lot. The predictable territory makes it difficult for something to go very wrong, and that’s why the region [Click Here To Read Article...]

FTM Moving Pictures: Halloween Special

10/31/2018 // 17 Comments

  Ghosts, ghouls, and goblins are hunting for artificial flavors and caramel. Bowls of bite-sized chocolate confectionaries keep the undead kids happy, that way they won’t decorate the neighborhood with spoiled eggs or garlands of 2-ply toilet paper. Put on your red devil horns or toss a bedsheet over your head—the spirit of Halloween is gonna possess you. Boo. If you don’t mind sacrificing 49 seconds of your precious life, press the play button and watch the latest Mr. Bonez episode. The stop-motion animation features a few cinematic slashers (one of them just so happens [Click Here To Read Article...]

No Money Astronomy: Book Cover Reveal

09/04/2018 // 18 Comments

  You want to observe the night sky, but you also don’t want to sacrifice your fat piggy bank. Telescopes, eyepieces, binoculars, planetary filters, camera adapters…amateur astronomers use a variety of fancy toys to peek at the universe, however, these fancy toys cost an astronomical amount of cash. Flip through a telescope catalog and you’ll be dazzled by the expensive glass, but there’s just one itsy-bitsy problem—the cost. Some telescopes cost as much as a cheap car, and if you don’t have the funds of a supervillain, well…you’re shit out of [Click Here To Read Article...]

Slasher Theory: More Monstrous Than Monsters

08/29/2018 // 13 Comments

  What is a monster? You know it when you see it, right? Fangs…claws…wings—horrific entities that extract fear out of helpless humans. Anyone can see the demon behind the horns, but what about the demon behind the smile? They say people are the scariest of all monsters. Unassuming citizens can slip past our defenses and stab us in the back. We’d never see it coming. A monster may have a mouth full of teeth, but a slasher understands our vulnerabilities. The slasher’s dark attributes define what it means to be a true monster. Monsters are limited by sharp teeth [Click Here To Read Article...]

Deadliest Bloodsucker: Tick vs Vampire

08/05/2018 // 41 Comments

    The world is full of bloodsuckers. Some are large, and some have eight legs. The vampire is a creature of the dark: Widow’s peak, sharp fangs and velvet cape—the gentle pressure of sunlight cause these pale-skinned bloodsippers to explode into flames. Ticks are 20-million-year-old arachnids, and they were evolutionarily designed to chug the red stuff inside your veins. But… …which one is the deadliest bloodsucker?   Battle of the Bloodsuckers There are many depictions and adaptations of vampires. We don’t have time to piss and moan about the [Click Here To Read Article...]

FTM Short Story: Bobby’s Organic Maple Syrup

08/02/2018 // 12 Comments

  Spider fangs glitter as they twitch inside a dead locust. Red goo drips from the tree’s open wound, while a sticky ruby river slithers down the dry bark. Sugary sanguine droplets cling to a twig as a windy whisper ripples along the gooey spherical surface. The droplets shiver and then descend upon the spider—eight legs tangle inside the viscous prison—while the arachnid solidifies inside an amber coffin.   Sometime Later    “Oh…my Bobby boy…are you ever goin’ to learn to quit? Huh? You said you were gonna stop three summer’s [Click Here To Read Article...]

Fearology: Scared to be Alive

07/26/2018 // 16 Comments

  When the Sun goes to sleep—imaginary monsters wake up. Secretive abominations hide underneath our beds, while Boogeymen stalk the unseen corners of our closet. Nocturnal furry things live in the woods, and their territory is just beyond your cozy bed. A wall separates you from the wild unknown and that’s why you shit the bed (don’t tell mom). No nightmare is complete without a watery abyss. Do you remember the first time you went fishing? The tasty worm danced on a rusted hook, and then the sacrificial bait sank below a realm of docile waves. Something ate the worm. Your [Click Here To Read Article...]

FTM Short Story: Clown with a Frown

07/22/2018 // 15 Comments

    I never understood why people are afraid of clowns. Are they scared of pretty colors or perhaps oversized shoes? If everyone knew what’s behind my makeup, they would never go to the circus. I’m a zombie clown. Please don’t kill me. My static, joyful expression is just face paint. The red smile hides my frown, and trust me, you don’t want to see my frown. Do you want to know what happened to the last person who saw my frown? Come closer. I’ll tell ya. I promise I won’t bite you. Stan was an animal trainer, and he owned three hungry lions: [Click Here To Read Article...]

Poetry Absurdity: Improvise Mesmerize

07/06/2018 // 11 Comments

  I don’t know what I’m going to write. Many thoughts come to mind, I don’t care if I’m right. My creativity is at stake, now is the time to design every mistake. Think too much and the expression will be convoluted. Doubt makes the message diluted. Someone has something to say. Read my inner voice. The words are never my choice. If I can’t fly, I’ll crash and die. Soar above the landscape of my imagination. Don’t need no damn destination.   [Click Here To Read Article...]

FTM Short Story: Dead Magic

07/04/2018 // 24 Comments

  Audience members squirm and squeal—their anticipation is hotter than an astronomical fireball. “Hello boys and gals! My name is Franz. Are you ready to see a magic show?” He says. Impatient children cheer. Older folk sip on silence. “Okay, I’ll be back in five minutes.” Franz says. Ten minutes later, a large speaker screams inside the ears of a sweaty woman. The heart inside her chest skips a beat or two. “Are you ready to see some real magic?” Franz says. The audience would like to answer the question. But the heat evaporated their [Click Here To Read Article...]