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FTM Smack Talk: Fake News

06/25/2019 // 3 Comments

  Ignore those pretty faces inside the noisy box—it’s just electronic snow and lies surfin’ along the airwaves. Unplug your computer. Turn up that boombox…it’s time to tune into the truth.     You want the truth? Tune into this lyrical master, or turn on your plasma television—swoon over that sexy newscaster. Charmed. Alarmed. Disarmed. Words coming out of their painted face, lying to the entire human race.   What happened? Did you believe their political ruse? Tuned in and listened to some bullshit fake news.   Runnin’ for [Click Here To Read Article...]

FTM Smack Talk: Five-leaf Clover

06/18/2019 // 5 Comments

  Don’t be ashamed of you who are. If you got it, flaunt it. Turn up your boombox—turn down your naysayers, betrayers, and haters. Are you ready? I’ll see you on the streets.     More rare than rare, ’cause I live without a single care. Here’s what my best friend Sam taught me: I am who I am, just like it’s said in Dr. Seuss’s Green Eggs and Ham.   Never pledgin’, that’s why I’m a livin’ legend. Say what it is, I’m the top clover boss— everyone else is just plain ol’ common moss.   Get up, get [Click Here To Read Article...]

No Money Astronomy: Remastered Edition

12/25/2018 // 14 Comments

  Everyone knows you made the naughty list—a lump of coal ripped a hole in your stocking. You may have enough sedimentary rocks to keep warm during the winter, but that doesn’t mean you’ll be jolly, cheerful or merry. Santa’s elves screwed you over, however, there’s still one more present underneath the tree and it has your name on it. Merry Christmas, you filthy animal.     No Money Astronomy: Remastered Edition   Updated information New graphics and photographs All chapters included in a single page     Check this out—the Remastered [Click Here To Read Article...]

FTM Moving Pictures: Gingerbread House

12/13/2018 // 14 Comments

    Let’s face it…you’re getting coal in your stocking. You made the wrong side of the list, but that doesn’t mean your holiday season has melted. Santa’s exploited elves carved plenty of useless toys, however, you’re not gonna get that wooden train you wanted as a kid. Don’t look at me like that! Blame Saint Nicholas or your big bad self. Happy holidays. No worries—even bad rugrats should get a little something something for Christmas, right? Of course! Let’s keep this early secret between you and I. Please don’t tell the fat, [Click Here To Read Article...]

Mission to Mars: NASA Lacks InSight

11/29/2018 // 27 Comments

  Have you ever wondered if the Red Planet shakes, rattles and rolls? No? Too bad! NASA filled their bottle rocket and flung a sophisticated ornament at Mars, just in time for the holiday season. InSight blazed a path of hell across space-time, and on November 26, 2018, landed near Elysium Planitia—a flat and lackluster region on Mars…which greatly encapsulates how exciting this mission is going to be.     Elysium Planitia is pretty much a Martian parking lot. The predictable territory makes it difficult for something to go very wrong, and that’s why the region [Click Here To Read Article...]

FTM Moving Pictures: Halloween Special

10/31/2018 // 17 Comments

  Ghosts, ghouls, and goblins are hunting for artificial flavors and caramel. Bowls of bite-sized chocolate confectionaries keep the undead kids happy, that way they won’t decorate the neighborhood with spoiled eggs or garlands of 2-ply toilet paper. Put on your red devil horns or toss a bedsheet over your head—the spirit of Halloween is gonna possess you. Boo. If you don’t mind sacrificing 49 seconds of your precious life, press the play button and watch the latest Mr. Bonez episode. The stop-motion animation features a few cinematic slashers (one of them just so happens [Click Here To Read Article...]

Monster Theory: Animal Nightmare

09/13/2018 // 5 Comments

  Horror slices and dices a helpless victim’s meek sensibilities, or sinks its pointy claws into your supple psyche. Horror is a shapeshifter, and each form expresses dark aspects which are unique to the vision or style. Sometimes the fright is jackhammered into your soft brain, while other times it crawls through the jungle of life, like a panther stalking a mammal who strayed too close to the watering hole. Monsters inhabit the land of horror, but where the hell do they come from? Let’s face the gruesome facts: monsters make people soil their slacks. People have been [Click Here To Read Article...]

Cold Words: Tortured

09/11/2018 // 18 Comments

    I make bad choices. I never think more than once. Consequences never matter, until my regret regurgitates and splatters. I’m a tortured individual. Numb. Desperate. Cold, that’s what my reflection told. I have no one else to believe, but myself. I’m a tortured individual. No one else to blame, but myself. Someone like me needs no enemies, because I have myself.   [Click Here To Read Article...]

No Money Astronomy: Book Cover Reveal

09/04/2018 // 18 Comments

  You want to observe the night sky, but you also don’t want to sacrifice your fat piggy bank. Telescopes, eyepieces, binoculars, planetary filters, camera adapters…amateur astronomers use a variety of fancy toys to peek at the universe, however, these fancy toys cost an astronomical amount of cash. Flip through a telescope catalog and you’ll be dazzled by the expensive glass, but there’s just one itsy-bitsy problem—the cost. Some telescopes cost as much as a cheap car, and if you don’t have the funds of a supervillain, well…you’re shit out of [Click Here To Read Article...]

Slasher Theory: More Monstrous Than Monsters

08/29/2018 // 13 Comments

  What is a monster? You know it when you see it, right? Fangs…claws…wings—horrific entities that extract fear out of helpless humans. Anyone can see the demon behind the horns, but what about the demon behind the smile? They say people are the scariest of all monsters. Unassuming citizens can slip past our defenses and stab us in the back. We’d never see it coming. A monster may have a mouth full of teeth, but a slasher understands our vulnerabilities. The slasher’s dark attributes define what it means to be a true monster. Monsters are limited by sharp teeth [Click Here To Read Article...]