Random Rants!

Apples & Snickers: Sugar is Sugar

11/10/2017 // 13 Comments

  Eating healthy used to be simple, just stuff your mouth full of fruits or vegetables. The definition of “healthy eating” has been placed upon a greasy grill and burnt to a crisp. Delicious. A smart egghead says to eat this, while someone wearing a white lab coat says to eat that—who are we supposed to believe: Colonel Sanders? Or General Common Sense? Hey…come here…a little closer…do you wanna meet the Devil? Go in your kitchen and look for that sexy processed sugar, baby. Processed sugar is one of the White Devils—responsible for punching holes in our [Click Here To Read Article...]

Random Rant: Duel!

01/26/2016 // 24 Comments

  We need to bring back the duel. Yeah! Sit back and fantasize…imagine if you could smack a rude individual across the face and spit the following words in their ears: “I challenge thee to a duel! Thou shall agree upon thy request, or eternally be branded a coward and forfeit all honor.” ...Imagine a world with duels… …Bad attitudes…. …Swords… People would think twice before cutting in line at the grocery store—why? Because cutters would get cut!…if you know what I mean. People would think twice before plucking verbal arrows—why? [Click Here To Read Article...]

Random Rant: Star Wars Edition

12/18/2015 // 20 Comments

  Zap-zap! Watch out! The storm troopers are coming! A sparkling new Star Wars movie was released on December 18, 2015. Cereal boxes, toys, commercials, posters, and even candy foretold about this fateful day…hey! Where’s the Star Wars toilet paper? Because I need to wipe my ass. Seriously. Star Wars over stayed its welcome about two months ago and the damn movie wasn’t even released. But you know what? I feel like I already watched the movie! Am I actually living on Naboo? Because every product known to humanity apparently branded a big ol’ fat Star Wars tattoo right [Click Here To Read Article...]

Random Rant: Taylor Swift

10/03/2015 // 14 Comments

  I can’t take this anymore. I need help. No, no, no—not that kind of help—I’m talking about therapy. Why? Because apparently my sanity is nonexistent. I’m about to suffer from a nuclear catastrophe. My coolant system is broken, temperature is rising, the core can no longer be contained, people are evacuating: welcome to my mental meltdown! 10…9…8…7…6…5…4…3…2…1! Here we go! I mean…this needs to stop. Immediately. You see…I have this itsy-bitsy problem—and it’s causing me to lose sleep. I’m [Click Here To Read Article...]

Random Rant: Cell Phones

08/12/2015 // 21 Comments

  Hey! Guess what? Do you want know what I’m sick of? No? Too bad! I’m still gonna tell you—I had it up to HERE with cell phones! You can’t see me right now, but my arm is stretched beyond biological capacity. Yeah! That’s right! Everywhere I fuckin’ go—people have their heads down—hypnotized by some piece of shit screen. I mean..what…the…FUCK. Damn it. DAMN IT. Why? Why? Why now? Seriously…why now. Screen are nothing new. I lugged around a screen about 20 years ago. Do you want to know what it was called? A FUCKING GAME BOY. I [Click Here To Read Article...]

The Resurrection of Pluto

07/27/2015 // 23 Comments

  It’s Pluto mania! Everyone has one thing on their mind—Pluto. New Horizons was launched about a decade ago (January 19, 2006) and recently woke up, stretched its antennae, and opened its glassy eye. What did it see? A fuzzy odd-ball world, which gradually snapped into clarity, as New Horizons set a path of fire across the solar system. Great! Congratulations! Let’s get down to business, shall we? I knew this was going to happen. You can’t bring up Pluto and not have someone spew these fine words of wisdom: Did you know Pluto is not a planet? That’s when I [Click Here To Read Article...]

Random Rant: Clouds

06/15/2015 // 5 Comments

  Dear clouds, You were up there. Yeah—that smothering gray face—it was you. A jagged wind wrapped around my bones and whispered a howling cry. You were up there, yes, a featureless expression, which foretold of inevitable dark days. The Sun disappeared. Warmth vanished…that was you, wasn’t it? There’s no point in asking. I know the answer. We all know the answer. There was a terrible moan while I looked up. You were there. Black swirls churned into atmospheric tendrils, yes, they constricted, collapsed, coalesced, and contorted until they became one. A formless [Click Here To Read Article...]

Where Are All the Laser Guns and Flying Cars?

08/26/2014 // 4 Comments

  The future sucks. I’m 30 years old and don’t own a hoverboard, laser gun, flying car, teleportation device—or any of that cool shit. Everyone should own a laser gun by now. What the hell? I own a few swords, but give me a break! Those were invented…many years ago. I’m not talking about a fancy lightsaber, either! I’m talking about old fashioned steel. Something ain’t right. Usually by the year 2100 A.D. (according to science-fiction) humanity has amassed enough cleverness to at least architect space colonies. So…we have 85 measly years to [Click Here To Read Article...]

Blame it on the Aliens, Baby!

06/19/2014 // 4 Comments

Aliens. Yes. Aliens. Let’s get to the point, shall we? Aliens have no business perusing a rock that swings around a G-type middle-aged star. Think about it: what the hell does Earth have that’s worth traveling trillions of miles / kilometers for? And don’t say our charming, good looks. As a matter of fact: If you said our charming, good looks, my friend—that would a more valid excuse than water. Water is everywhere. Yeah, that’s right! What? You thought H2O was some mystical, magical element that can only survive on a rock called Earth? HA! Don’t make me laugh, [Click Here To Read Article...]