articles

Mission to Mars: NASA Lacks InSight

11/29/2018 // 27 Comments

  Have you ever wondered if the Red Planet shakes, rattles and rolls? No? Too bad! NASA filled their bottle rocket and flung a sophisticated ornament at Mars, just in time for the holiday season. InSight blazed a path of hell across space-time, and on November 26, 2018, landed near Elysium Planitia—a flat and lackluster region on Mars…which greatly encapsulates how exciting this mission is going to be.     Elysium Planitia is pretty much a Martian parking lot. The predictable territory makes it difficult for something to go very wrong, and that’s why the region [Click Here To Read Article...]

Slasher Theory: More Monstrous Than Monsters

08/29/2018 // 13 Comments

  What is a monster? You know it when you see it, right? Fangs…claws…wings—horrific entities that extract fear out of helpless humans. Anyone can see the demon behind the horns, but what about the demon behind the smile? They say people are the scariest of all monsters. Unassuming citizens can slip past our defenses and stab us in the back. We’d never see it coming. A monster may have a mouth full of teeth, but a slasher understands our vulnerabilities. The slasher’s dark attributes define what it means to be a true monster. Monsters are limited by sharp teeth [Click Here To Read Article...]

Fearology: The Frailty of Flesh

08/16/2018 // 13 Comments

    We’re just like flowers—painful circumstance is the foot which crushes our petals. People often forget how vulnerable they are. Many of us hop inside the cockpit of our car and fly down the street…forgetting that metal and humans don’t mix very well. A dull knife can pop our soft body like a balloon, but that doesn’t stop anyone from slicing and dicing a tasty apple. A common fever can evict our soul from our biological house. It’s odd that anyone reaches adulthood because it seems as if everything has the ability to punch our life ticket. If you [Click Here To Read Article...]

Deadliest Bloodsucker: Tick vs Vampire

08/05/2018 // 41 Comments

    The world is full of bloodsuckers. Some are large, and some have eight legs. The vampire is a creature of the dark: Widow’s peak, sharp fangs and velvet cape—the gentle pressure of sunlight cause these pale-skinned bloodsippers to explode into flames. Ticks are 20-million-year-old arachnids, and they were evolutionarily designed to chug the red stuff inside your veins. But… …which one is the deadliest bloodsucker?   Battle of the Bloodsuckers There are many depictions and adaptations of vampires. We don’t have time to piss and moan about the [Click Here To Read Article...]

Horror Writing Tips: How to Scare People

06/29/2018 // 23 Comments

    You sacrificed a precious hour watching innocent people become lunch meat, and now it’s your bedtime. Tucked underneath cozy comforters, the darkness inside your mind turns on, just like the television inside your living room. You can’t use a television remote to change the channel inside your mind. If a thirsty zombie is about to give a cheerleader a hickey from hell, you can turn off the television, especially if you’re not into that kind of shit. However, your imagination keeps the show going…whether you like it or not.     Empathy is the [Click Here To Read Article...]

Elon Musk Launched a Sports Car Into Space

02/12/2018 // 17 Comments

Are you ready to break the speed limit? Put on your seatbelt and let’s go to Mars. SpaceX recently tested their new Falcon Heavy rocket, however, launching a new rocket wasn’t enough. Elon Musk topped the technological sundae with an expensive cherry—a red Tesla 2008 Roadster. Because that’s what smart people do.     Falcon Heavy is currently the most impressive bottle rocket. Adorned with 3 magical cores and 27 Merlin engines—Falcon Heavy can lift a little more than 13 African bush elephants, which totals less than 175,000 pounds (79,378 kg). A single African [Click Here To Read Article...]

Bloody Lunacy: How To Survive The 2018 Super Blue Blood Moon Eclipse

01/09/2018 // 11 Comments

  Prepare for a cosmic calamity—on January 31, 2018—a rare lunar eclipse will cause the world to explode into a million pieces. Just kidding. Do you want to see the 2018 Blue Blood Supermoon eclipse? Well, you better sip some coffee before the birds start chirping, because If you live on the east coast of the United States, you’ll only be able to observe the beginning of the lunar eclipse, which starts at 5:51 am (EST). The Moon will not be visible during the entire eclipse. Sorry. The rest of the world gets the cosmic shaft, too. Sort of. Great news! You’ll have a [Click Here To Read Article...]

Apples & Snickers: Sugar is Sugar

11/10/2017 // 13 Comments

  Eating healthy used to be simple, just stuff your mouth full of fruits or vegetables. The definition of “healthy eating” has been placed upon a greasy grill and burnt to a crisp. Delicious. A smart egghead says to eat this, while someone wearing a white lab coat says to eat that—who are we supposed to believe: Colonel Sanders? Or General Common Sense? Hey…come here…a little closer…do you wanna meet the Devil? Go in your kitchen and look for that sexy processed sugar, baby. Processed sugar is one of the White Devils—responsible for punching holes in our [Click Here To Read Article...]

5 Red Reasons Why Mars Sucks

09/11/2016 // 21 Comments

  Shhh…they may not tell you this in the science text books, but Mars sucks. Yup. It’s true. Hop inside your imagination rocket and let’s explore five reasons why we should never go to the Red Planet.   Number 1 Mars Is…Like…Ummm…Really Far Away     Yes. Fancy computer animations on television make it seem like Mars is just around the cosmic corner, right? Walk a few blocks to the Milky Way, pick up some…ummm…shitty milk, then meander to a red dusty world. No worries. We’ll be back before dawn. Yeah. What a pile of [Click Here To Read Article...]