Pssst…are you in the mood to buy something special? Are you tired of planet Earth? Step right up and purchase your very own piece of Martian land! For a measly price of $35—you’ll become a proud Martian landowner, and you never even have to put on a complicated space suit. A special land deed details the exact location of your certified purchase. Each one acre land is full of devils, dust and…well…that’s about it. What are you waiting for, Earthling? This deal can’t last forever! Drain your fat wallet, that way you can become a true Martian. Earth is overrated, right? Who needs access to freshwater and breathable air? Certainly not you.
Who cares about a comfortable atmosphere? Earth is going to hell in a hand-basket. Global warming is cookin’ this hot rock like a piece of sizzlin’ bacon. Soon you’ll desire to relax on an air-conditioned rocky world. Mars is chilly to the bone, too. -67 °F (-55 °C) insures you’ll never break a salty sweat, and here’s the best part—no ocean! You’ll never have to deal with water levels rising. Who wants to be annoyed by a rising ocean? Certainly not you. The Martian environment lacks proper nutrients, so prepare to gnaw on potatoes. Tasty.
Earth Is Overrated
Mars is about 33,000,000 miles (53,108,352 kilometers) away from Earth, however, egghead scientists haven’t invented a rocket which will blast you to the Red Planet, but don’t let that sad fact discourage you from purchasing an itsy-bitsy piece of Martian land. NASA sure as shit won’t recognize your certified purchase, so don’t let that discourage you, either. If a fancy rover trespasses on your property and discovers water or a new form of life, NASA will not cut you a hefty check. Don’t be discouraged, though. Invasive aliens may or may not take a vacation on Mars, and they could possibly takeover your property because they have proper technology to boss around the entire universe. Try not to be discouraged! Just show ’em your fake deed and they’ll understand. Maybe. Or maybe not. humongous dust storms could suffocate the entire planet, but that’s not a big deal, right? Exactly.
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