Do you smell that? The flowery perfume of insincere affection intoxicates lonely souls—it’s Valentine’s Day. Open the box of heart-shaped chocolates and satisfy your insatiable craving. Everyone has needs. Sometimes it’s difficult to tell the difference between a mosquito bite and the sting of Cupid’s arrow. Love is itchy. Roman Romance will tell you if the itch is worth the scratch.
Thanks for having me on the show, Roman. I stole a red flower from my neighbor’s garden and then gave it to my lifelong crush. The flower stem still had thorns. She screamed. I panicked and ran away. Blood makes me faint. Do you think it’s okay to give someone flowers on the first date?
A little prick never hurt anyone. Flowers die, but the memory of pain lasts forever.
I’m not sure what to do, Roman. I’m in a serious relationship with my boss and she likes to dominate. Not just me…everyone. I can’t believe I’m saying this…she pinched my ass and forced me to crawl on the carpet…you know…because someone has to pick up her pens. She drops a lot of pens. I have been flogged with spiked whips, tied upside down, and even racked by an antique torture device. My friends and family are starting to ask questions about my unusual bruises. I’m running out of stories. And lies. Any advice?
Ask your boss for a pay raise. Immediately.
My brain-dead partner is a zombie. We have been together ever since he has risen from the grave. I know you always say not to get involved with biters, but he’s loyal and claims to love me. Is the undead capable of experiencing true love? Any help would be appreciated. Thanks.
It’s time to get your hands dirty, Rita. Do some gardening and bury your filthy past. Zombies are not physically capable of experiencing true love—because they don’t even have a heart. Find someone who still has a pulse.