Eating healthy used to be simple, just stuff your mouth full of fruits or vegetables. The definition of “healthy eating” has been placed upon a greasy grill and burnt to a crisp. Delicious.
A smart egghead says to eat this, while someone wearing a white lab coat says to eat that—who are we supposed to believe: Colonel Sanders? Or General Common Sense?
Hey…come here…a little closer…do you wanna meet the Devil? Go in your kitchen and look for that sexy processed sugar, baby. Processed sugar is one of the White Devils—responsible for punching holes in our teeth and inflecting all sorts of fun medical ailments.
Nothing in the universe wants to eat that soulless powder…well…except us, of course. Frosted Flakes are part of a well-balanced breakfast. Tony the Tiger said so.
If sugar is gonna stick us with a dull pitchfork in our sleep, then apples are just as bad as a Snickers bar, right?
Think about it.
Apple are loaded to the core with sugar, and so are Snickers. Your body can’t tell the difference…right? Sugar is sugar, and they both spike your insulin straight to Pluto—an apple is just a one-way ticket to Diabetes Town.
There was once a time when someone would have been slapped across their stupid face, if they suggested that apples and Snickers belonged in the same food group. Those days are long gone. Unfortunately.
Here’s the brown icing on the bullshit cake: fruit also makes people fat.
What did Popeye eat when he felt like kicking someone’s ass? Did he chew on a Snickers, or did he bust open a can of spinach? Spinach may not be a fruit. But you get the point. Hopefully.
A single Doritos tortilla chip will carpet-bomb your taste buds—the extreme flavor causes World War 3 to ignite inside your mouth. Nukes are supposed to be off-limits, but you can buy a bag of jalapeño warheads, for less than $4.00. Apples can’t compete with artificial flavors, especially if the flavor is supposed to be “cheese”. Let’s not forget about the complementary 6-liter bottle of carbonated rocket fuel.
We all know that beans have more vitamins—even though they taste like the Jolly Green Giant’s jockstrap.
Apples, indeed, have fructose, but they also have fiber. Fibrous foods don’t spike our insulin as high as foods that contain processed sugar and no fiber. Consuming a mouthful of nougat does not count toward your daily fiber needs. Sorry.
Caramel is not an antioxidant, either.
Some scholars say that apples are ‘nature’s candy’, however, real candy is laced with scientifically engineered excitotoxins, and you can bet your rotted sweet tooth: Snickers excite the shit out of people.
When was the last time someone got excited by an apple? Exactly! Apples are not Snickers.
To be continued…some day.
(I’m not a licensed physician. Before you eat an apple, please consult your doctor)