Mars sucks and everyone knows it. Pack your lunch and straddle your favorite bottle rocket—we’re gonna blastoff to the Red Planet! The solar system is full of cosmic losers…pieces of rock, metal, and ice that failed to become respectably spherical. Let’s explore five more red reasons why Mars sucks the celestial big one.
1. Mars Is Too Damn Dusty
Okay. First things first, let’s go ahead and state the obvious—Mars is full of dust. Do you feel like getting your oxford wingtips dirty? Exactly. Mars is not the type of place where you can wear a white tuxedo, and that certifiably sucks. A thunderstorm might be a minor pain in the ass, however, imagine a dust storm wrapping its sandy hands around the neck of an entire planet. Mars has to put up with that shit, and quite frankly…it’s a miracle the Red Planet hasn’t decided to call it quits and fall straight into the blazing bonfire which resides somewhere toward the center of the solar system.
Devils may or may not exist on Earth, but the Martian landscape is full of ’em. Martian devils lack tails and pointy horns, however, the swirling vortex can reach over 12-miles-high into the sky.
There’s no way to predict when a Martian dust devil will appear. The chaotic tracks etched into the terrain prove they don’t adhere to a specific schedule. Imagine you’re in the middle of a picnic…it’s a nice day outside…a little chilly…potatoes lounging upon a thermal blanket…and then a disrespectful Martian dust devil spits rusted rocks onto your appetizer. Don’t chip a tooth!
How will rusted dust affect gear and equipment? Who’s going to be assigned cleaning duty?
2. Mars Is Too Damn Far Away
Here’s a depressing fact: Mars is about 139,808,518 million miles away. Let all those numbers sink into that squishy thing inside your cranium. The Moon, by comparison, is about 238,900 miles away. Not as many numbers, and that’s a good thing! It took Apollo astronauts about 3 days to glide through space before they reached the Moon. Well…how long would it take to reach Mars? If the plants align, and you so happen to burn a shit-ton of fuel…who knows? 300 days? 250 days? Perhaps 100 days? Let’s put it another way—a longtime (or about seven months). The distance to the Red Planet is a damning characteristic, and we should never admire that fact.
Seven months is a longtime. Risk is a pain in the ass play in a microgravity environment. Good luck.
3. Red Is Dead
Take a quick glance at the surface of Mars and you’ll see a whole lot of nothin’. A dune here….a dune there…a little bit of sand around the corner…and that’s about it. Is this description severely limited? Yes! But it’s also true. Imagine you’re a space pioneer who happened to stumble upon Mars. Would you setup camp? Or would you light your bottle rocket’s wick and get the hell off the planet? All bullshit aside—a sane individual would never go to Mars. Never. Mars seems like a lovely playground, right? Let’s take a look at the facts and see how fun they really are.
Mars: The Super Fun Facts
Temperature Range: -195 degrees F (polar regions) / 70 degrees F (near equator) / -100 degrees F (night time)
Atmosphere: Not enough oxygen. Nothing else to say.
Distance: 225 million km (average)
Magnetic Field: Weak
Water: Yes. Kind of. Sort of.
Gee, who wouldn’t want to live on a planet like that? Seems like a really bitching place, right? Ignore the bone shattering cold. No big deal. Forget about the oxygen, too. You’ll just have to carry your own. And the magnetic field? Solar radiation never harmed anyone. Don’t worry about it. You’ll be fine, just stay cooped up inside a lava tube all day. Oh! Don’t worry about the potential wars Earthlings will probably engage in. We won’t have enough money to send you supplies, so you’ll have to eat potatoes. Everyday. All day.
No…it’s not a smart idea to fertilize Martian potatoes with raw shit. While it might be possible to fertilize crops with night soil, the possibility of contamination is too high. We have yet to discover a hospital on Mars. If you so happen to eat a funny tasting Martian potato, well, now you know why.
4. Not Enough Hellfire Missiles & Rovers
How much red hard cash have we spent flinging expensive toys at Mars? Curiosity cost about 2.5 billion dollars, and we need to sacrifice 14 million dollars pear year to keep Opportunity alive. Let’s not forget about the debt-inducing orbiters. The Mars Reconnaissance Orbiter had a pretty price tag—$720 million. Billions of dollars was flushed down the cosmic drain, and guess what? We still don’t know if life exists on Mars! That’s a kick in the crotch.
The United States government is broke, but somehow has enough moolah to purchase nuclear submarines and hellfire missiles, because a nation can never have enough hellfire missiles.
The machine gun budget is higher than the sky, however, NASA only receives a small allowance each year: $15-19 billion. A billion is a big number, but apparently it’s not a lot of money, so perhaps it would be a swell idea to reduce the Mars funds, and then focus our attention elsewhere.
Raise your hand if you want to go sledding on Europa.
5. Shitty Movies
We may not know if life exists on Mars, but John Carpenter proved the surface is riddled with ghosts. Ice Cube kicked their assess, of course. If we’re gonna send anyone to Mars, it may as well be Ice Cube. He has experience. What about Matt Damion? He’s an expert potato grower. No other planet in the entire solar system has captivated humanity’s imagination. Such a shame. Sure…if Matt Damon crash-landed onto Venus, he would have melted and been squished into a pancake, but hey? Science is science, right? Mars is just too damn convenient, that’s the problem.
The Red Planet is like Earth, but not really. Close enough. You can stand on the surface. Walk around. Explore. But the danger of dying a horrible death is still real, and when it comes to storytelling, sometimes that’s what matters the most.
Shitty Martian Movies
Mission to Mars
Ghosts of Mars
Invaders From Mars
Lost on Mars
Tom and Jerry: Blast Off To Mars
The list continues. Unfortunately.
If Mars never existed, Species II would have never existed. Enough said. There’s a chance you may stumble across that movie while surfing through the channels past the midnight hour, and if your IQ becomes forever lowered after watching two aliens trying to hump each other, please blame Mars. Thank you.
It’s no secret—the solar system is full of losers. Most of ’em fizzle out of existence after they smack into Earth’s atmosphere. Some of them refuse to die. And a very special one inspires Earthlings to create shitty movies.
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