Shhh…they may not tell you this in the science text books, but Mars sucks. Yup. It’s true. Hop inside your imagination rocket and let’s explore five reasons why we should never go to the Red Planet.
Mars Is…Like…Ummm…Really Far Away
Yes. Fancy computer animations on television make it seem like Mars is just around the cosmic corner, right? Walk a few blocks to the Milky Way, pick up some…ummm…shitty milk, then meander to a red dusty world. No worries. We’ll be back before dawn. Yeah. What a pile of Taurus manure.
At best—Mars is at least 33.9 MILLION miles (54.6 million km) away from Earth. Let that cosmic fact sink into your brain. Go ahead. While you’re at it, go ahead and let this sink in: Mars is more than 132 times father away than Earth’s Moon. And that’s not acceptable.
Red Is Dead
The solar system doesn’t need a red planet. Period. End of story. Listen—if the surface of a planet is rusted, then that should tell you something, right?
Land of the Devils
If someone told you devils roamed planet Earth, you’d probably squint your face and be like, “Stop eating magic mushrooms! Devils don’t exist.”
Well…guess what? Devils roam the Martian landscape.
I’m not talkin’ about some kind of shittastic John Carpenter monster! I’m talkin’ about dust devils. They say Mars is dead, but sadly, that’s only sort of true. Mars actually has a pathetic atmosphere (around 1% Earth’s atmospheric pressure) which helps agitate rusty dust particles into twisting evil aerial funnels.
Martian devils roam the planet like they own the place…because they do.
Dust All Over The Place
Do you remember something about Mars having an atmosphere?
Well…a pathetic atmosphere can summon a storm.
A Martian breeze probably would be quite weak, however, since Mars doesn’t have anything going for itself—the rusted dust may hitch a ride upon the wind, and then surf around the entire damn planet. Global and local dust storms cause the rovers (Opportunity / Spirit / Curiosity) to go into safe mode, while future Martian colonists are supposed to seek shelter inside a lava tube, which would be like living inside a planet’s asshole. Fun times.
No Swimming Pools
Feel free to do your own research, but the human body is at least 55% water, and Mars lacks sustainable bodies of surface H2O (frozen or thawed). Brilliant.
Perhaps there’s droplets of moisture here and there…inside a crater that never sees daylight! Oh! Perhaps there’s something to sip underground. Convenient. Let’s travel 33 million miles to a rusted planet and experience the astronomical equivalent of a literal living hell.
The solar system offers plenty of ice cubes: Europa, Callisto, Enceladus—shouldn’t we pack some earmuffs and build a snow fort on Pluto?
…Or what about the Moon? There’s dust. And no respectable amount of water. Shit! The science books say the Moon even has
assholes lava tubes.
There’s plenty more reasons why Mars sucks the big one. But we don’t need to sit here and beat a somewhat dead planet.