Some Of Us Have Two Assholes

Learning to Wipe


What’s buzzin’, flies?

My website is still being updated. I’m not sure when everything will be ready, but until then, please welcome yourself into the eye of my shitstorm. I’ll be honest. The content that’s going to be published the next few weeks will be somewhat unusual. No big deal, right? Yeah. That’s what I thought. Oh.

You’re probably wondering about the title of this post.

I’ll get to that in a second.

It would of been rude if I didn’t address what’s going on around here, and there’s going to be more drastic changes. You’ve been warned.





Hey! Did you know some of us have two assholes? Yes! It’s true. Everyone is familiar with the common asshole variety—the biological muscle responsible for squeezing your last night’s TV diner into a porcelain throne. Everyone is aware of that kind of asshole. It’s essential for life. Where would humanity be if we didn’t have assholes? Think about it.

Stop thinking about that, and now think about this.

I’m not talking about a secondary biological asshole. Not at all. These kinds of assholes reside in people’s heads. Hmmm…sort of like…a living thought. Yes! A living thought. Imagine this…ummm…living thought taking up residence inside your mind. Right smack dab in the center of your gray matter living room. I mean…movin’ on in and taking up the whole entire squishy joint.

Living thoughts are not ordinary thoughts.

Living thought will tell you things you never want to hear about yourself. And what’s worse…

Living thoughts can come in many forms.

“What? Are you kidding me? Don’t even bother.”

“You suck. You’ll never succeed. Don’t even try.”

“Nope. No way. Don’t even think about it.”

“No one will care. Keep it to yourself. Worthless. Don’t even deny.”

See that list up there? Those are thought assholes. Genuine. Real. Authentic. Thought assholes. Some thoughts are incapable of dissolving, right? You think something, and then, well…it goes away. Thought assholes don’t leave on their own accord. No way. If you let ’em in, then they may never leave.

Wiping a biological asshole is dirty business. You and I can agree on that. Wiping a mind can be just as dirty.

Thoughts are not tangible. You can’t just take a piece of toilet paper, reach inside your mind, wipe from the frontal lobe toward…whatever the back of the brain is called, and then flush soiled thoughts down the toilet. Nope. Not going to work. You’re going to have to confront each thought asshole.

“Loser. Ha. Too weak. Don’t cry.”

“Ugly. Who would want that? Don’t look in the mirror.”

“Too stupid. You’ll never succeed. Don’t go any further.”

“It’s hopeless. Everyone hates you. Don’t love.”

Thought assholes may eventually leave on their own, however, the damage has already been done: opportunities expired….relationships ceased to exist…or none were given a chance to flourish. Who knows. A thought asshole will always take a little piece of you with them.

Some thought assholes will never leave on their own.

Yeah. These one of a kind thought assholes can swell to asinine proportions.

  • Cowardice
  • Self doubt
  • Paranoia
  • Reluctance
  • Laziness

They can manifest themselves as lovely character traits. The stories we tell ourselves can become true, and that’s when the thought asshole defecates. Specific contextual situations will irritate a thought asshole’s bowel.


If you made it this far, then you’re probably going to assume that I will share some insight on how to wipe your dirty mind clean.

I’m not going to do that.

Because I can’t do that.

You’re going to have to look in the mirror and discover where the toilet paper is. And once you find it…if you find it…

…Only then will you know how to wipe your dirty mind clean. Remember to wash your hands. Please.



About FlyTrapMan (264 Articles)
I have no idea what I'm doing.

28 Comments on Some Of Us Have Two Assholes

  1. Now, I understand…all those thoughts in my brain …chirping wickedly… 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  2. and the drunk assholes, they’re the ones at the bar saying really loudly at inappropriate times during a conversation: “You suck. You’ll never succeed. Don’t even try.” “Nope. No way. Don’t even think about it.” “Loser. Ha. Too weak. Don’t cry.” “It’s hopeless. Everyone hates you. Don’t love.”


  3. haha! ….I have a very filthy mind, and I have NO intentions on every wiping it clean. But, I do wash my hands all the time. Fortunately, assholes are allergic to me…so they pretty much stay away. 😉 Love your blog! Great stuff 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Have you tried Hopi ear candles? Just a thought… 😉


  5. Now I know what to call those negative thoughts kicking around in my brain. Lovely image…an asshole in my brain. That’s almost as gross as those grub-looking things that crawl in–or are put in–a person’s ear and eat their way into the brain.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Irreverent, truthful, and hilarious, as always . . . another alternative to wiping is to plug it . . . the thoughts I mean. You wouldn’t want a massive backup for the other one. Ahem, ah, humans . . .

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Little Rants // 08/19/2016 at 7:57 am // Reply

    Oh goodness.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. hmm, I realise I am far from perfect…xxx Love is hat makes the world go round, where is it.?.millions are hungry, starving and dying and we are watching the Olympics…hmmm, makes you understand our DNA is make for the survival of the self.
    Good Post, my friend xx


  9. Thought assholes. Huh, it all makes sense now! Lol. I guess one way to wipe a thought asshole from your brain is to think positive thoughts. Hopefully, by doing this, you’d have wiped most, if not all, that crud away. Just don’t get any dingleberries! 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Shit! After 17 years of existence I realised I have 2 assholes 😔

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Yeah. Been down that long and wiping road.

    Liked by 3 people

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