What's flyin', flies?
Pokémon invaded planet Earth—are you ready to toss your imaginary Poké Ball at an electrical yellow mouse? Yeah. Neither am I.
Pokémon Go is the latest and greatest real-life catch ’em all game. Aspiring Pokémon trainers can download the program onto their phone and experience what it’s like to really catch Charmander.
By “experience”…I mean flicking your dirty finger at a glass screen, hoping a digitized Pokéball kidnaps a helpless Caterpie. Did I mention this helpless Caterpie can possibly be seen lounging inside your nasty cat’s litter box? Yup! It’s true.
Pokémon Go uses an advanced augmented reality system…blah, blah, blah. Still with me? (Shame on you!) Ahem. Allow me to clarify: I’m tired of this over-hyped Pidgy shit!
Don’t get it twisted. I’m a veteran Pokémon trainer. I filled my Pokédex back in 19 fuckin’ 99. Snorlax. Polygon. Mew. Yes! I even captured that glitched-out and ultra mysterious Pokémon called “Missingno”. What? Never heard of that particular Pokémon? Go ahead and augment that reality, sucka!
Wanna know a secret? My favorite Pokémon was Gengar. You know…that purplish fat ghost Pokémon. My friends and I were committed trainers. We smuggled our Game Boy to school, and then linked sophisticated cables underneath vacant tables or desks.
My friends and I couldn’t cook a scone to save our life, but damn it, we sure as hell had a tasty Pokédex! Because that’s what really mattered.
I get it.
The basic argument goes a little something like this: “Pokémon Go is getting people outdoors! People are exercising more than ever!“
What. The. Fuck.
Go ahead and riddle me this: What’s the point of going outside if you’re going to be looking down at a screen?
Great! Fantastic! Awesome! Neat-o! Let’s travel to everrrrrry glorious landmarks on planet Earth, and then keep our eyes glued to a piece of glass! Because you never know when a wild Pikachu will appear! Gotta catch ’em all! Yeah. Go Fuck yourself.
Once upon a time, people frowned upon individuals who twiddled their thumbs while looking down at a screen. Whipping out a Game Boy during dinnertime guaranteed a smack across the head. Cellphones are just sophisticated Game Boys, but it’s perfectly acceptable to look down at a touch- screen while walking in circles…
Pokémon Go needs to go away.
And never come back.