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Random Rant: Pokémon Go

What's flyin', flies?


Pokémon invaded planet Earth—are you ready to toss your imaginary Poké Ball at an electrical yellow mouse? Yeah. Neither am I.




Pokémon Go is the latest and greatest real-life catch ’em all game. Aspiring Pokémon trainers can download the program onto their phone and experience what it’s like to really catch Charmander.


By “experience”…I mean flicking your dirty finger at a glass screen, hoping a digitized Pokéball kidnaps a helpless Caterpie. Did I mention this helpless Caterpie can possibly be seen lounging inside your nasty cat’s litter box? Yup! It’s true.


Pokémon Go uses an advanced augmented reality system…blah, blah, blah. Still with me? (Shame on you!) Ahem. Allow me to clarify: I’m tired of this over-hyped Pidgy shit!


Don’t get it twisted. I’m a veteran Pokémon trainer. I filled my Pokédex back in 19 fuckin’ 99. Snorlax. Polygon. Mew. Yes! I even captured that glitched-out and ultra mysterious Pokémon called “Missingno”. What? Never heard of that particular Pokémon? Go ahead and augment that reality, sucka!


Wanna know a secret? My favorite Pokémon was Gengar. You know…that purplish fat ghost Pokémon. My friends and I were committed trainers. We smuggled our Game Boy to school, and then linked sophisticated cables underneath vacant tables or desks.




My friends and I couldn’t cook a scone to save our life, but damn it, we sure as hell had a tasty Pokédex! Because that’s what really mattered.


I get it.


The basic argument goes a little something like this: “Pokémon Go is getting people outdoors! People are exercising more than ever!


What. The. Fuck.


Go ahead and riddle me this: What’s the point of going outside if you’re going to be looking down at a screen?


Great! Fantastic! Awesome! Neat-o! Let’s travel to everrrrrry glorious landmarks on planet Earth, and then keep our eyes glued to a piece of glass! Because you never know when a wild Pikachu will appear! Gotta catch ’em all! Yeah. Go Fuck yourself.


Once upon a time, people frowned upon individuals who twiddled their thumbs while looking down at a screen. Whipping out a Game Boy during dinnertime guaranteed a smack across the head. Cellphones are just sophisticated Game Boys, but it’s perfectly acceptable to look down at a touch- screen while walking in circles…




…you know…


…it’s exercise.



Pokémon Go needs to go away.

And never come back.




About FlyTrapMan (261 Articles)
I have no idea what I'm doing.

15 Comments on Random Rant: Pokémon Go

  1. It is quite odd…seeing all these people sorta wandering around aimlessly looking into their phones..disturbing as well.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Anonymous // 08/07/2016 at 12:21 pm // Reply

    I walk in my neighborhood most every evening, and I’ve started seeing little (and not so little) zombies walking about staring at their phones. I figure it’s just a matter of time until one steps out in front of a moving car. Crazy…


  3. All kinds of mugging and shit happen with these. I won’t play Pokemon Go, I’m waiting for Sun and Moon to come out later this year so I can continue playing Pokemon how I have since the days of Red and Blue. I’ll pick one and play it on my 3DS as intended.

    Old people voice: Back in my day, we didn’t use cell phones for Pokemon. We played it on a proper system…damn kids and their cell phones…outside is for outside damnit!…GET OFF MY LAWN! I got a special Pokemon for you if you don’t get off my lawn…it’s called Imapunchichu!” 😉


    • Sorry for the late response! Really? People are being mugged? That figures. I played Red and Blue. Now that I think about it…many people I know had their game stolen. Or their Game Boy. Personally, I used the Game Boy Color.

      Liked by 1 person

      • No worries on the delayed response. Some crazier things have happened too. People using Pokemon Go have sometimes wound up finding dead bodies while searching in an area they wouldn’t normally be.

        The app leads people often to places they wouldn’t normally wind up or visit but they do while looking for Pokemon and crazy stuff like that has been found.

        I still prefer playing on Nintendo Hand Helds, but it is kind of cool you can now get the old red, blue, and yellow on the 3DS Eshop and it has kind of revitalized the older titles.

        Cheers! ^_^

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Never seen it in action…but anybody outside looking at a screen …needs to think again!

    Liked by 1 person

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