Zap-zap! Watch out! The storm troopers are coming! A sparkling new Star Wars movie was released on December 18, 2015. Cereal boxes, toys, commercials, posters, and even candy foretold about this fateful day…hey! Where’s the Star Wars toilet paper? Because I need to wipe my ass.
Star Wars over stayed its welcome about two months ago and the damn movie wasn’t even released. But you know what? I feel like I already watched the movie! Am I actually living on Naboo? Because every product known to humanity apparently branded a big ol’ fat Star Wars tattoo right across its forehead. Star Wars this…Star Wars that…Come on! Enough is enough. Why the hell is C-3PO on my coffee creamer? Is nothing sacred?
**Spoilers** Star Wars: The Fart Awakens…oh…wait…did I make a mistake? Sorry! The Farce Awakens…I mean The Force Awakens…which reminds me: have you ever heard of Lucas Arts? Lucas Arts was a company which designed a variety of Star Wars games—and none of them are worth tauntaun spit! Star Wars for the Super Nintendo is a massive Chewbacca turd and it earned Lucas Arts the following nickname: Lucas Farts.
Don’t look at me like that.
many countless hours of my life trying to extract a particle of enjoyment from those old school Star Wars games and guess what? It’s payback time and Boba Fett is coming to collect.
Did you ever read Jabba the Hutt’s famous quote about the Star Wars games? It’s really funny: “Bahlah showeha kobahoehoewa baltwktwa”.
But I digress.
Computer generated graphics molested the entire look and feel of Star Wars.
Don’t get me wrong. Computers have their place, but if I wanted to watch a cartoon, I’d watch Ren & Stimpy, okay? Not some half-baked, weak sauce form of entertainment, falling somewhere between a movie and some kind of animated shit flick.
What’s wrong with building tangible models? Oh…my apologies! It takes too long, right? Time is money, so fuck all of that stupid shit and let’s bring in the bleepity-bloops and green screens.
** The Star Wars Recipe **
300 tbsp of Light Sabers
800 tbsp of Lasers
150 tbsp of Acrobatics
90 tsp of Cloaks
1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 grams of Spaceships
The recipe hasn’t changed since Star Wars: A New Hope.
I take that back.
The recipe did change.
1 Cup of Shitty Characters
Am I the only one who remembers Jar Jar Binks? Enough said.
I take that back.
I have more to say.
Jar-Jar Binks is wampa shit reincarnated. The entire universe could reach thermal equilibrium and that still wouldn’t be enough time to even think about offering any form of forgiveness. Anyone who disagrees is suckin’ on Millennium Falcon exhaust.
Since we’re on the subject of light sabers: who honestly thinks a light saber is a cool weapon? A weapon, which thumbs its electrical nose at the laws of physics, and it’s not even a sabre. Noticed I used the French spelling of the word ‘sabre’—a very real sword—that looks and functions nothing like a light saber. A sabre is a curved blade (inspired by the Indian tulwar) and you don’t need to be a Jedi to wield one, because a real sabre is badass enough.
What’s better? A gigantic glow-stick? Or real steel? I’ll let you decide (the answer is real steel).
Don’t get it twisted.
I like Star Wars. I really do. My discontent with Star Wars is a recent symptom…if you consider 13 years to be recent. I packed my bags and left Tatooine after the clone wars waged battle upon the entire series. Shit…I even tried staying in Dagobah, but the long arm of Disney drained the swampy waters and confiscated Yoda’s hovel—that’s when I hoped in my x-wing and a burned a path straight to Hoth—which was soon converted into an amusement park. Mos Eisley now has a fairy castle, but it still has a cantina…for now.
Don’t ask about the Ewok village.