Random Rant: Taylor Swift

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I can’t take this anymore. I need help.

No, no, no—not that kind of help—I’m talking about therapy. Why? Because apparently my sanity is nonexistent. I’m about to suffer from a nuclear catastrophe. My coolant system is broken, temperature is rising, the core can no longer be contained, people are evacuating: welcome to my mental meltdown! 10…9…8…7…6…5…4…3…2…1! Here we go!

I mean…this needs to stop. Immediately. You see…I have this itsy-bitsy problem—and it’s causing me to lose sleep. I’m not sure where to begin. FUCK!

…Yeah.

Twitter has been suggesting that I follow Taylor Swift.

Yes, you read that correctly. Me. Yours truly. Taylor Swift. Follow. What the fuck?…I mean…I’m flattered!…I’m shocked!…am I? No, not at all! I’m fuckin’ pissed-off!

Stop.

I know what you’re thinking. Tell me if it sounds a little like this: “You dumb bastard! Unsubscribe from the email subscription! Duh.” No shit Sherlock—of course I unsubscribed! 35 fuckin’ times!!! And I’m still receiving that damn email, or text. Do you want to know what the real kick in the nuts is? I don’t even use Twitter. Yeah. That’s right. I signed up for an account, logged-in for about ten minutes, and then ditched that shit. I don’t use Twitter. Do you hear me Taylor? I DON’T USE TWITTER!

Some people need more than 140 characters to express themselves, okay?

In case you don’t quite understand my woes, I’ll go ahead and describe the burning hell I’m suffering through:

 

  • Every-time I think I received an important email…nope…it’s Taylor!

  • Every-time I think I received an important order confirmation…nope…it’s Taylor!

  • Every-time I think I received a shipping notice…nope…it’s Taylor!

 

Do you see a pattern here?

Is this how Taylor Swift black holed her fans? Sucking them in with a “glitchy” email spam? Don’t tell me some nerdy smart-ass didn’t program that shit not to work, because, after all, the world needs to follow Taylor Swift. Wait? What am I saying? The entire galaxy needs to follow Taylor.

How come Taylor Swift wants me to follow her?

The question keeps me awake at night, and every time I bend over and wipe my ass, I ponder: how come Taylor wants me to follow her? Why? Does she think I dig her tunes? Does she think I’ll take her to McDonald’s? Guess what? I actually don’t mind her music…it’s heartfelt…down to Earth…the lyrics are so meaningful…majestical instruments…yeah…yup…okay? I clearly lost my fucking mind!

Every-time I hear my email notification, guess who comes to mind? Oh—do you need a minute? I’ll wait. The name starts with a ‘T’…’a’…’y’…’l’…’o’…’r’—yes! You must of been paying attention. Who else has this problem? Anyone? Hello? I am the only one…ain’t I? SHIT!

I’m sorry Taylor, but I’m not going to follow you—it’s just not meant to be. Come on. You know better. I would break your heart. Cheer up! Here’s a tissue. Wipe your tears…oh! While you’re at it…take me off your fucking mailing list. Thanks! I appreciate it.

Yours truly,

Someone who will never follow Taylor Swift.

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About FlyTrapMan (200 Articles)
I have no idea what I'm doing.

14 Comments on Random Rant: Taylor Swift

  1. OLED PHAT nu glee // 10/03/2015 at 9:55 pm // Reply

    It’s the birds, the birds always drive folks nuts this time of year.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I thought about getting a Twitter account a few years ago. The reason I didn’t was all I had at the time was a Desktop computer and no cellphone. What would I tweet? I got up to go to the restroom. Be back later got to go make dinner. I do have a cell phone now but it is just a dumb phone and now I have a laptop, still no reason to be tweeting.
    Facebook and my blog suit me and my needs just fine. 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I think Taylor may be writing a song about you soon ; )

    Like

  4. Ha, ha…I got the gist. Luckily, I do not know who this Taylor is , that makes it more difficult, but having read your post, I do feel that there is little point in trying to find out or even google this Taylor..I shall swiftly put her out of my thoughts and re TWITTER: that is a NO, NO and here on certain programs they will even announce what someone tweeted as if it made their argument more valid. Puke, End.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I have Taylor Swift issues as well. Yesterday, the front page story in the Toronto papers was about the Swift Curse – apparently when she plays in concert before a baseball series the home team loses and she is set to play when the Toronto Blue Jays start in the MLB playoffs. Of course the story about the shootings in Oregon didn’t make it to the front page – either we have become alarmingly desensitized or Taylor Swift is all the news that is fit to print. Ugh! Harlon

    Liked by 1 person

    • I have a feeling if she flashed her ass crack — the media wouldn’t know what to do with itself…I mean…I know what the media would be doing with itself…but it wouldn’t be reporting the news.

      Liked by 1 person

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