Do ghosts exist?
**….Shhhh…did you hear that?**
We all heard stories, right? I’m sure you know a few. There are dark tales about demonic possession, angelic entities, vengeful phantoms, spectral manifestations, ectoplasmic beings…you get the idea. The basic premise is pretty much the same: somebody dies, and some how, some way—they managed to pull a fast one—and remain ephemerally relevant.
Before I forget, yes, photographic orbs is complete bullshit. Trust me: if dust particles are spirits, then I’m one of the best Ghostbusters around. In 1861, photographers tried to be sneaky, claiming their fancy double exposures was direct evidence of spectral beings. You can’t see me right now, but I’m literally shaking my head.
Shit, I can’t blame them. Back in the day, I would certainly prank unsuspecting individuals! I would charge grieving loved ones a hefty price, fork over a fancy double exposure, and presto! I’m a few bucks richer.
We don’t know the context of many of these “spectral photographs”. These types of images could of been elaborate projects—an expression of the one orchestrating the image.
…Or quite possibly some asshole, taking advantage of grieving individuals. How much would you pay to have a dead relative’s spectral essence photographed? Think about it and give me a call…we can set up an appointment.
In the modern age, no shit Sherlock, people still manipulate images! Everything from swapping the heads of a great white shark and black bear, or digitally inflating the ass of some overpaid cover girl. Why would it be any different a hundred years ago?
Don’t get me started on paranormal researchers. Please don’t.
Helen Keller could see straight through any paranormal researchers’ dubious tactics! Laser beams? Fog machines? Sony video camcorders? Microphones?
Hold on a quick second: What is it with ghosts and basements? Or attics? Or abandoned asylums? Or condemned hospitals? You know, the spooky stuff. How come TGI Fridays isn’t haunted? Why not Toys R Us? Oh, wait…I know why—not dark enough.
How come no one has ever reported strange events at these high traffic places? You’ll never hear: “Yeah, yeah, I was at Billy’s Big Mouth Bar & Grill, when all of a sudden, my pitcher of margarita floated above the table and spilled all over my damn lap! Yeah! Yeah! It’s true! It’s true!”
I’m regretfully aware that “haunted restaurants” exist. Shit, for a few years, I lived near one. Did I ever eat there? Of course not! I’m not ordering hot wings while having some dumb bastard, sneaking around the joint, trying to get me to piss my pants. You know how angry I would have become? I would of probably been arrested. And still be sitting in jail. Until this day.
It doesn’t make any #$%!ing sense! Assuming ghosts do exist (which they don’t) why would they be able to be photographed?!! They’re $#*!ing ghosts!!!!!!!!! In order for an object to be photographed, it needs to reflect or emit a particular radiation. As far as mythology is concerned: ghosts don’t do either of those things…because…they’re ghosts.
You can potentially argue that the energy level of a ghost is below a radio wave, and thus can’t be traditionally detected. If that is the case: ghosts still can’t be traditionally photographed. Congratu-fuckin’-lations!
Think about it: if a ghost reflected or emitted part of the electromagnetic spectrum, then it isn’t technically a ghost anymore—just radiation—in the shape of a bipedal mammal. A distinction that’s subtle, but important.
If a ghost is truly a figment of the electromagnetic spectrum: why hasn’t anyone legitimately imaged one? You mean to tell me, out of all the millions of people, taking vain selfies, not one person accidentally exposed an authentic photobombing specter? Impressive.
As far as I’m concerned…if we can detect dark matter…we could detect ghosts, if, you know, they actually existed. How do you feel about that?
That being said—doe’s that mean I haven’t experienced any spooky shit? Of course not! Believe me, I experienced bizarre events. The events I experienced would brown your underwear faster than the most psychotic roller coaster. Disembodied whispers, animated shadows, nonsensical noises, false awakenings, lucid dreams…nothing too outrageously insane, but enough to leave me slightly mortified. For the rest of my life. Which isn’t too horrible, right?
I don’t know.
Am I saying ghosts don’t exist? No, but don’t get your hopes up. I’m simply saying a ghost can’t be photographed. Every image of a “spook” is most likely:
A lens flare
A Creative Hoax
98.99% of all ghost imagery is complete garbage. A male cow will sometimes secrete this brown matter (I’m talking about bullshit) and most spectral photographs suspiciously look just like that. Very few images are respectably manipulated, but nonetheless, they’re fake as fuck, in other words, pretty fake.
**Super Fun Speculation Time** Maybe…jussssst maybe…ghosts exists, but are only able to manifest (visually) through mental hallucinations, because they (specters) reside in the netherworld. Due to quantum entanglement, a deceased individual potentially would be linked to those able to still breathe, and send information, in the form of ghostly imagery.
Oh! And you can’t photograph a hallucination.
I don’t know about you, but if I were a ghost, do you honestly think I would be in some dank basement…just…hanging out? Of course not! I would too busy harassing paranormal investigators.
If YOU were a ghost, would YOU hang out in a dark basement and wait for a lonesome fat kid to venture down the stairs? Well…maybe. You might do that a few times, but boredom will sink in real quick. As the saying goes: you have plenty of time to be dead.
What would you do with the rest of your eternity? TGI Fridays doesn’t seem so bad! I recommend the hot wings.
“There are no haunted places, only haunted people.”—Robert A. Baker