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Where Are All the Laser Guns and Flying Cars?

lasertcard1

 

The future sucks.

I’m 30 years old and don’t own a hoverboard, laser gun, flying car, teleportation device—or any of that cool shit.

Everyone should own a laser gun by now. What the hell? I own a few swords, but give me a break! Those were inventedmany years ago. I’m not talking about a fancy lightsaber, either! I’m talking about old fashioned steel.Lights

Something ain’t right.

Usually by the year 2100 A.D. (according to science-fiction) humanity has amassed enough cleverness to at least architect space colonies. So…we have 85 measly years to blast ourselves into outer space. Great. Fantastic. We better get our ass in gear! At this rate, well, humanity will be rockbound forever. No fun.

I’m not impressed with screens.

Yes—screens. We live in what I like to call “The Screen Age”. Everything is all about the magical touch screen. Sorry. I’m not impressed. If someone told me back in 1989 that the future was going to be about touch screens and cell phones, I would have cried myself to sleep. Every night.

Fcar4I want laser guns! Flying fucking cars! Teleportation devices! At this rate all of humanity will be rockbound until the Sun bloats into a red giant star. Hey! At least we’ll have our fancy screens, right? We can take selfies as we melt from the insidious ultra-violet radiation. Doesn’t that sound fantastic? That’s a future I can’t wait for.

Yeah. What a bunch of shit.

Imagine if we had real technology. No longer would we need to manipulate a vehicle on a two-dimensional surface. No longer would we have to worry about being late. No longer would we have to worry about getting blasted with .38 special—although getting blasted with a laser gun wouldn’t be a better alternativeI think.

Instead…we have screens…which people use to send images of their private parts.

I understand: our cell phones are capable of many neat tricks. You know what I want? I want my shoes to tie themselves, damn it!

No fair! Marty McFly has all the cool shit.

What century is this? 21? I sometimes forget. You know why? Because of all this weak sauce tech. When a cellphone is able to be beamed straight into our retina, then that will be the day I may start to care about cellphones.

Still.

Cellphones are not lasers guns.

Or teleportation devices.warp

I suppose the future lied to us. What do we have? Pockets full of Apple products? Yeah—I’m not impressed. If an alien beamed down from the cosmos and asked to trade my cellphone for his (her) space car, I would gladly relinquish that electronic tumor. Gladly.

What’s more appealing? Texting your private parts? Or laying skid marks across the cosmos? I’ll leave that up to you to decide.

Based on the movies and literature, we should be planet hopping by now! We should have flung ourselves straight out of the Milky Way! I’m talking about ludicrous speed! Shit…we don’t even have ridiculous speed.

But, hey, at least we can text our junks to one and another, right?

rocketRight now all we have to hope for is a thinner cellphone with a larger screen. What are we going to do when we design the optimal cellphone geometry? We better be beaming the shit into our eyeballs, or I have serious doubts for the longevity of humankind.

To be fair: cellphones have changed our lives. Information in the form of bleepity bloops and electronic gargle—all within a finger swipe away. Yet, I’m still not impressed. Appreciated, yes,  but not impressed. I would give up my cell phone for a laser gun. Wouldn’t you? Don’t lie. If an interstellar merchant asked to trade with you, I bet you would fork over that glass and silicon for a nice, shiny laser gun!

What about teleportation?

We should be able to step one some kind of pad and be transported to our destination. This is basic, fundamental, future stuff!

Needless to say, humanity has dropped the ball on this one. We’re still suckin on exhaust like it’s being spewed from a pollution hog’s tit.

They say that it’s not the destination, it’s the journey. That’s all fine and dandy, but let’s not forget: we are pathetic mortals. Imagine how much of your life has been wasted trying to get from point A to point B. I’m talking about alllllll those annoying trips to your local food mart. You mean to tell me it’s all about the journey in this context? Ha.

I don’t know about you, but I’ve always been a destination-minded-kind of-person. Who cares how fun the journey is if you’re riding a handbasket straight to Hell? There could be all sorts of amusement parks along the way, joyous roadside attractions, whore houses—it doesn’t matter. You can’t tell me in the back of your mind you wouldn’t be thinking about Hell the whole. Damn. Ride.

Imagine if you could just…teleport to Hell. Wouldn’t that ease your suffering? Yes? No? Perhaps?robot

IF a space merchant decided to be generous and allowed me to have one of the following:

 

  1. Flying Car

  2. Teleportation Device

  3. Laser Gun

 

I think I would choose the laser gun—I’ll explain why.

 

  • The flying car, to be honest, I would simply crash and burn.

 

  • The teleportation device wouldn’t make sense unless there were multiple teleportation devices that could receive my transmission. Which there aren’t.

 

  • That leaves the laser gun. Not to say I wouldn’t somehow blow myself up with a laser, but it’s safer than the flying car (at least for me).

 

Let’s assume for a moment that the teleportation device is a fancy necklace. This fancy necklace will whisk you away with a mere thought of a particular destination. If you ask me, something like that is more a magical item—not a piece of legitimate technology.

Everyone would choose the magical necklace. It makes the flying car obsolete! That’s why a true teleportation device must involve pads, gateways, etc.

Logically speaking, teleportation devices can’t be everywhere. People tell me the universe is pretty big—and I believe them. The chances of a teleportation device being somewhere beyond the orbit of Neptune is atomically minuscule (I think). That’s when a flying car would come in handy.

Imagine there was a diner on some ice ball in the Kuiper Belt. Let’s go ahead and call this place: Outer Edge Rest & Eatery. Do you think someone would relinquish the funds to install a teleportation device in the corner of that scrubby diner? Doubtful. I doubt a place like that would even have a jukebox.

Sometimes if you want a charred burger and fries—you’ll have to travel for it. I mean, really travel for it. With a flying car.

Assuming you have enough gas.

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About FlyTrapMan (189 Articles)
I have no idea what I'm doing.

4 Comments on Where Are All the Laser Guns and Flying Cars?

  1. I think you greatly underestimate Aunt Marge. The only thing less advisable than trying to contain her in a locked bathroom would be having her zipping around in those ‘unregulated skies’ in her 1976 Cadillac-sized flying car. 😉

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    • Ha — well, I actually have (had) an Aunt Marge! I doubt a bathroom would of contained her, but she would have understood that teleporting into a bathroom = no company.

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  2. Spoken like a true child of the 80s. 😉

    That we now carry around in our pockets more technology than the combined computing power of the two spacecraft that got humans to the moon and back home again might not impress you, but maybe that’s because you weren’t around to remember life without it. That humans can think of little else to do with this technology other than texting pictures of their junk and liking shit on facebook does not make a statement about the technology, but rather more so about those in possession of it.

    One of the reasons we don’t have things like flying cars in every garage, and jet-packs to zip off to work with each morning could be because while we’ve excelled in data/information storage, particularly in the last 20 years, we still pretty much suck when it comes to energy/power storage. Also, despite now having vehicles which practically drive themselves, we still can’t seem to keep them between the lines. Given the insanity which takes place each day during rush hour, not to mention the fits of road rage when others don’t drive in a manner we think they should, are we really ready to take to unregulated skies?

    I can understand how basing expectations of future technology on entertainment could leave one disappointed, but that may be because in entertainment the advanced technology all seems so cool. (Unless we’re talking about a dystopian future a’la Blade Runner or 1984.) There’s also a downside to the coolness though. I mean, while teleportation would be completely cool in many aspects, do we really want to arm Aunt Margie with the ability to pop over in a moments notice? I do not. So nope, no telepartation – but with 3D printing we are one step closer to replicators.

    And as for laser guns and would I trade my smartphone for one, lol, nope, not unless I can get netflix on the laser gun. 😉

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    • Computing power, shmuting power! Who needs it? Actually, you bring up some valid points. I was going to go into people’s behavior with cell phones, but I decided to make that a different post.

      Let’s not forget: I do remember a time when people didn’t carry around cell phones. Sure, I was a wee lad, but I did exist. I didn’t just pop out of thin air at some point in the last fifteen years…I think.

      I can navigate a cramped tin-can to the moon with nothing, but a compass, and a map. The lack of technology in this regard doe’s not impress me. I mean, once you are floatin”, there’s not much you can do. Except control your breathing — no one likes an oxygen hog.

      Unregulated skies? Sounds like fun to me! It’s impossible to regulate the 3 dimension. Impossible.

      I was never into Blade Runner. I fell asleep during that moving picture in American film class. Then again, I fell asleep through every film in that class, so that’s not saying much.

      That’s the great thing about teleportation devices! You can place them anywhere. Don’t feel like having company? Place your pad in the bathroom, or a locked cage. Problem solved. Aunt Margie can stay in the bathroom.

      Didn’t you hear? The latest laser gun model, RLG-177796-UKOP, has a special switch, that when pressed, initiates a live view of Netflex on an articulating screen. Come on, you want a laser gun — everyone wants a laser gun!

      3-D printing? Where we’re going — we don’t need 3-D printing.

      Like

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